Winning!... not

If you heard Charlie Sheen admit for the first time publicly that he bought a hooker for Tom Cruise once, that would pique your interest, right? You'd might wonder when it was. Maybe you'd want to know if Tom actually used said hooker. Maybe, given the rumours about Mr. Cruise's sexuality, you'd be curious as to the sex of the professional sex worker. But you wouldn't just let the comment pass without a follow-up question, would you?

Well, at his Vancouver, um, event (it wasn't really a show and I don't know how else to describe it), Sheen told interviewer Russell Peters precisely that: He bought Tom Cruise a hooker once, then admitted that he had never mentioned it in public before. So...???

So that's it. Nothing more to learn, obviously. Sheen made a crack that now that he's brought it up, "the Church of Martian Idiots" will be all over him. "Those people are fucking dangerous," he added. And that was that. It was on to the more incisive questioning from someone in the crowd wondering if there'd be another Major League movie. (Yup.)

Peters was decent with his initial line of questioning and kept things funny for the most part, and, in fairness, he's not a professional interviewer so maybe he can be forgiven for leaving those juicy nuggets just hanging. But it doesn't take a seasoned journalist to want to hear more on this scoop about Cruise. Does it?

Sheen makes me laugh. I mean that sincerely. I've never seen a single second of Two and a Half Men (has anyone? he claims it was on for 8 years and 177 shows but I don't know a single person who's seen it; then again, I don't know a single person who voted Conservative and they won a majority government on the same night... hmm, coincidence?) and I honestly can't remember if I've seen any of his movies (honestly), but his week on the interview circuit left me in stitches. Tiger blood, winning, duh! Man, I ate that up.

I heard his tour was a bit of a gong show but I had no idea what to expect. And after seeing it, I have no idea what I got. There was no show to speak of – just a sit-down semi-interview interrupted throughout by a dude hitting random strings on his guitar (no idea why he was there or how he got on the stage). At one point, as cat-calls rained down, Sheen chastised the punters with, "How about when we talk, you guys fucking listen? Isn't that what you came here for?" Then he and Peters basically said that since they never advertised what the show would be, nobody could legitimately complain about what it was. Or wasn't. I don't think it works like that, fellas.

Apparently people paid a pretty penny to see Sheen. Caveat emptor, I guess, but I think he and the producers have an onus to at least try to give the people something. It's not like he doesn't care about us. Witness this statement, uttered with conviction: One questioner asked who the biggest asshole he ever worked with and the answer was, obviously, Chuck Lorre, his former producer on Two and a Half Men, to which he added, "It's not just what he did to me, but what he did to all you good people." That might have been the funniest line of the night if it weren't delivered with utmost sincerity.

Despite that, I think Sheen came off as a sympathetic character. The Warlock looked defeated, embarrassed and nervous, but sane. Or as sane as can be expected under the circumstances. But sane doesn't sell. There's no pizazz in rationally explaining that "tiger blood" is a metaphor or that he realizes he "chose poorly" with goddess/porn star Bree Olson, who recently made a midnight run in the opposite direction. And it certainly doesn't sell in Vancouver on election night. The Arena was cordoned off at about the one-quarter mark, and even that section wasn't full. Maybe he made it up at the sizable merch table or in the $20 programs.

Other tidbits of the evening included:

* He's been waiting for a statement of support from former co-star Jon Cryer, to no avail.

* Jennifer Gray was the first celebrity he banged.

* Ginger Lynn was the best lay among porn stars he's shagged (although he saw her years later and thought, "I fucked that?")

* Melanie Rios was the most disappointing porn star he had sex with.

* When Kelly Preston shot herself in his bathroom in the spring of 1989, he heard the shot and thought "she did it, she finally fucking did it. And they're going to blame it on me."

* The accusations of him beating on women are "all horseshit."

* He never held a knife to Brooke's throat.

* He's OCD when he's high.

* "I'm not bi-polar; I'm bi-winning... Which still doesn't make any sense."

* "Party as fucking hard as you want, but honour your commitments."

* The most genuinely decent human he's ever worked with (a question, by the way, that elicited boos from the lynch mob), is his dad, Martin Sheen.

* We don't know if he's made up with his brother, Emilio, but we know he recently sent him a text message. No further questions were asked.

* Sheen turned down White Men Can't Jump, Indecent Proposal and Born on the 4th of July.

* Sheen mentioned at least twice that he and Peters should do a sitcom.

That's about it. It wasn't a comedy show, despite Peters' presence, and after 20 other appearances around North America, this one was his penultimate, with one more to go in Seattle. So I'm not sure why I went or why I wrote about it. Just thought you'd want to know. As for the details on the Tom Cruise hooker, you'll have to make up your own.